So, anyway, last week was, frankly, not the best week of my entire life. Stressful. Filled with negative energy. Call it what you will. Tears were involved. As a result of those tears, headaches became involved. Pregnancy hormones were involved, which (as everyone knows) makes everything a wee bit more dramatic than maybe it actually is.
I've been going in for doctors' appointments at least three times a week (sometimes more if they're especially missing my presence :). Babe's heart rate has been a little more sporadic/all over the place this past week... which has not been overly comforting to me. Wednesday we had a really hard time even getting a reading for a variety of reasons, and then the readings would be super high, go back down really low, just really inconsistent and random. Couple that with the fact that I've been feeling a bit more anxiety overall about the pregnancy the last week or two, and, well, anyway, I wasn't really handling things super well. Couple that with the fact that I truly am pregnant and I think those pregnancy hormones really do affect rational thinking at times, and, well... you get the picture. And that's a lot of fact coupling.
Anyway, one of the doctors has come to the conclusion that what is going on is something called Long-QT Syndrome. After the sporadic/non-tracking heart appointment on Wednesday I decided to look it up and see if it was a diagnosis I agreed with. Keep in mind that I currently have a five-year-old that had the exact same symptomology in utero... so my super-rational brain is thinking that if the baby has Long-QT Syndrome, then likely that's what my five-year-old has/had.
So I googled Long-QT Syndrome (hereafter abbreviated LQTS for typing purposes so I don't get too exhausted).
And in retrospect determined this was a bad idea for an already emotional pregnant lady.
I read through the first article that looked reputable. It's from The Mayo Clinic, which I think is a fairly reliable website? I'm just not a Wikipedia kind of girl.
First paragraph from the Mayo Clinic: "Long QT syndrome (LQTS) is a heart rhythm disorder that can potentially cause fast, chaotic heartbeats. These rapid heartbeats may trigger a sudden fainting spell or seizure. In some cases, your heart may beat erratically for so long that it can cause sudden death."
Hmmm.
"Many people with long QT syndrome don't have any signs or symptoms. For people who do experience signs and symptoms of long QT syndrome, the most common long QT symptoms include: Fainting...Seizures...Sudden Death"
"Signs and symptoms of inherited long QT syndrome may start during the first months of life, or as late as middle age. Most people who experience signs or symptoms from long QT syndrome have their first episode by the time they reach age 40."
"Long QT Syndrome results from abnormalities in the heart's electrical recharging system. However, the heart's structure is normal. Abnormalities in your heart's electrical system may be inherited or acquired due to an underlying medical condition or a medication."
I completely just copied and pasted due to laziness of not wanting to paraphrase. I believe that's called plagiarism. I actually think that paraphrasing is a form of plagiarism as well... so might as well copy and paste. Justification. Feel free to know that the italic words are not mine and are courtesy of the Internet, specifically the Mayo Clinic. Disclaimer over.
So a diagnosis that's not exactly sunshine and rainbows. Well, I've got a little baby with suspected Long-QT Syndrome. And I've got a little girl that had the same issues as said baby who has had a total of zero monitoring or tests done to see if there is, in fact, something wrong with her heart.
Stress. Drama. No good.
Now, what's a momma to do? Part of it is easy. I make appointments for the very next day to take my little Addy in to get an EKG done and check out what's going on with her heart electrically. The other part is not so easy: try to not stress. I spend lots of time praying, reading scriptures, listening to uplifting music, trying to get some feeling of peace. I certainly know that stress is no good for the almost 6-pound baby I've spend the last nine months growing, so I really am trying to not just fall apart. I had little success in the sleep department, so, of course, that does not help.
While I was busy not getting sleep, I was pondering a lot on the principle of faith this past week. Wondering if the reason I'm having a difficult time with everything is because of a lack of faith, an inability to "let go."
I thought a lot about Elder Holland's talk in the April 2013 conference called "Lord, I Believe." If you haven't watched/read it, it's worth your time. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/lord-i-believe?lang=eng#2-10785_000_51holland
I found myself relating a lot to the father found in the book of Mark asking for the Savior's help in healing his child. Jesus tells him that all things are possible to them that believe, and straightway the man cries out "Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief."
And this is how I feel. Help my unbelief. Here I am, and I feel in my heart of hearts that everything will be fine. Things will turn out okay. I also know that my current definition of "fine" and "okay" may not be what is in store for us. But big picture stuff, I truly believe that the Lord loves me, and, more importantly, my children, and He will do what's best for them. And for me.
So why the anguish and worry? A part of it I think is a lack of faith, the "help my unbelief" part. And part of it I think is a normal human emotion. There is many an instance in studying the lives of righteous individuals, prophets, and even the Savior himself when He asked to let the cup be passed from Him that shows that sometimes the things we are called to do may not be the things we want to go do or want to go through. And that's okay. Those times may be difficult as we are traveling through the trial of our faith. I think that's okay as well. It's mortality.
But just because I struggle with something, does that mean I want to be stuck in a never-ending pit of despair and self-pity? Of course not. What I'm saying is I think it's honestly okay to have times in our lives that are hard. Times where we struggle, that we are forced to cut back, to simplify, to pray more, to be more reflective, to ask for help. These are the experiences that humanize us, that make us rely more fully on our God, that build compassion and love into our souls. And I think it's okay if it's not all sunshine and roses. I don't think it was meant to be. But how blessed are we to have the gift of faith and trust that things will work out. Alma tells us that "even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe."
Coming down from the preacher's stand now.
Anyway, back to the tale I am telling. Thursday comes and we do the EKG. Addy does awesome. She was pretty nervous, but I let her bring her "special sheep," we talked about what was going to happen, she held my hand, and she was a champ. The unknown can be hard for her, so I was super proud she did so well. The doctor came in, and he said he thought everything looked totally normal.
May I repeat myself? He thought her little heart pattern looked completely normal. Can I get a hallelujah?
How about another one for good measure? Hallelujah!
The doctor did want to send the EKG to the pediatric cardiologist in Salt Lake to get a second opinion, but he thought it looked just fine. Good enough for me.
I was sooooooooo relieved. Since we had the exact same heartbeat pattern going on with the two kids and since LQTS is genetic, I feel comfortable that most likely that's not what's going on with the baby. Of course, we'll still do tests once the baby is born, but for now I feel like there is a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.
Another plus: I had an appetite again, and suddenly I was quite hungry. And since I'm "eating for two" and all, I have complete justification in stuffing my face. Right? (*cricket, cricket, chirp*) Right? Well, maybe I stuffed my face anyway. Don't judge.
Friday came and we did monitoring again. For the first 20 minutes, the baby's heart rate was in the normal range of 130-160. Odd. It was the first time it's been normal (with the exception of when I was running a fever) since week 32.. five weeks ago. So I wasn't quite sure what to think of it. The doctor wanted to keep me on the monitor, because she was sure it would return to the baby's "normal" low baseline. Sure enough, after 20 minutes it dropped back down to the 90s and stayed there for the next 45 minutes.
They took me off and I had an appointment with my doctor where we discussed when to deliver this baby. I explained about my doubts of the baby having Low-QT Syndrome since Addy's testing had come back normal (confirmed by Primary Children's earlier that morning), and she agreed. We decided that either Friday the 15th or Monday the 18th would be a time that both of us felt comfortable having this baby delivered. I spoke with the hubs, and we decided on Monday the 18th. So officially (for now at least) we'll be having this baby in just under one week! And, according to the 3D ultrasounds, this baby is super duper cute... so everyone be excited for that :)
If anything changes, I'll write another update, but hopefully next time I'm updating our little blog will be bombarding it with adorable little baby pictures of our new little one!
And I wanted to add that I don't write these updates to gain sympathy or something. I know a lot of times people will tell me of their sympathies, and I appreciate everyone's concern, but I don't want anyone to feel bad or sorry or anything. I'm glad for experiences that make me grow, help me realize what's important, and help me to have a softer, more compassionate heart. I'm so thankful though for all of the encouragement that I receive from so many people. So thank you.
Stepping off the soapbox, once again.
Thanks for reading.
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